Stupid De Chocobo
by Dark Valkyrie Wong
Summary: Tidus attempts to get a perfect 0:00 time in the chocobo race, but runs into some, ah, problems. Co-starring Zell from FF8, with other FF cameos.


1 Stupid de Chocobo  
  
1.1 By Dark Valkyrie  
  
Setting: Calm Lands, entrance to Mt. Gagazet at the end of the Chocobo race track. Tidus is on a chocobo cursing, with the chocobo trainer on her chocobo not too far away. Tidus is throwing a fit when Zell enters…  
  
Tidus: Damnit damnit damnit!  
  
Zell: Uh, should I ask?  
  
Tidus: She beat me again!  
  
Zell: Huh?  
  
Tidus: The chocobo lady! She beat me in the race again!!  
  
Zell: Oh, I see. Uh, why do you care? Hehe, is it a threat to what little manly-hood you have?  
  
Tidus: (glares at Zell) Shut up, Zell. I'm manlier than you are!  
  
Zell: Right, whatever you say crybaby  
  
Tidus: Hah! You should talk, you little Chicken-wuss!  
  
Zell: What!?  
  
Tidus: (makes a face) Nyah nyah!  
  
Zell: Why you…!  
  
*HEY!*  
  
Tidus and Zell: (looking around) huh??  
  
*Will you two quit fighting? We're barely into the story and you guys are already goin' at it! Save it for the end, ok??*  
  
Zell: grr, fine!  
  
Tidus: eh, sure thing  
  
*Anyway, so where were you? Oh yea…*  
  
Zell: So, why do you care anyway?  
  
Tidus: If I get a perfect 0:00 time, then I can get the Sun Sigil for Caladbolg, the stupid choco-broad here keeps beating me in the race! I can't win!  
  
Zell: So, let me get this straight. After all this time, you still haven't gotten the Sun Sigil?  
  
Tidus: Yea, so?  
  
Zell: Hah! Man, you suck!  
  
Tidus: You wanna try? It's hard!  
  
Zell: Nah, wouldn't wanna embarrass you  
  
Tidus: Why you little chi-  
  
Zell: (cutting him off) Don't you even think about sayin it you…  
  
*YOU GUYS! Will ya quit it? Do it again and I'll turn you into frogs and have this fanfic star Irvine instead! You really want that?!*  
  
Tidus: Hey, you can't do that!  
  
Zell: Yea? Who died and made you God??  
  
*First of all, hell yes I can. Second of all, I write this fic, therefore I am you god and everything that happens to you happens because I have willed it to be. Now shut up and get on with the damn story!*  
  
Zell: Geez, fine, grouch  
  
*I heard that*  
  
Tidus: Anyway, I gotta get a perfect 0:00 time  
  
Zell: Well, try it again, maybe you'll get it this time  
  
Tidus: Ah, guess it wouldn't hurt to try, eh?  
  
(The race starts again, but, well, for those of you who've done the race you know how it goes….you start off good, the choco trainer cuts you off, in your bouts of cursing at the TV screen you get hit by a zillion birds, you feel like wringing your chocobo's neck because of its incompetence and lack of steering…)  
  
Tidus: DAMMIT!  
  
Zell: Um, okay maybe you weren't so lucky that time. But hey! I was watchin ya and found out something that may be useful to ya in the near future  
  
Tidus: And what's that?  
  
Zell: Well, don't take my word for it, but I think the Chocobo lady has the hots for you!  
  
Tidus: What?!  
  
Zell: No seriously man! Didja see how she totally left all those balloons for you?! They were straight on her path and she just moved outta the way! I think she likes you!  
  
Tidus: No way, dude you crazy  
  
Zell: Not only that, but you notice how whenever you go up to her she always lets you ride the best chocobo for free?  
  
Tidus: Well…  
  
Zell: (cuts him off) And, after every race she always says that you can come back and train with her whenever ya want for free! I really think she digs you, man! (pokes Tidus with his elbow and winks)  
  
Tidus: (brushing Zell away) Um, okay maybe, but why?  
  
Zell: Geez, what are you, slow?! You're a star blitz player! And, no offense, but your hair really does look like chocobo feathers. You know she has a thing for chocobos and…  
  
Tidus: Dude, don't even get into that  
  
Zell: (backs away) Hey hey! I'm just sayin' my perspective here! If I'm right, then you've got a little leverage.  
  
Tidus: Ah, I suppose….  
  
Zell: So?! Go get that Sun Sigil! If ya can't win it, maybe you can bribe her!  
  
Tidus: Well, it's worth a shot….(goes up to try to sweet-talk the Chocobo lady into giving him the Sun Sigil, but instead gets a slap in the face…quite literally actually)  
  
Tidus: (walks back to Zell with a big hand mark on his face) Well, so much for that idea…  
  
Zell: Well, I guess all you can do is race some more, eh?  
  
Tidus: Yea….(races again and loses…again) Damnit! Stupid chocobo, won't steer right! (kicks the chocobo in the leg)  
  
Chocobo: WARK WARK! (stars pecking madly at Tidus' head)  
  
Tidus: Hey! Ouch! Get it away! HEY DEE, WILL YA GET THIS THING AWAY FROM ME??  
  
*(snickering)*  
  
Tidus: That's not fair! Stop it! Ow!  
  
Chocobo: (peck peck peck)  
  
*Oh, alright fine* (chocobo magically disappears)  
  
Tidus: (sits down on the ground and rubs his head) Geez, stupid chocobo! If it'd only steer better I'd win, but nnnnoooo! It's gotta be a freaking retarded chocobo! (mumbles) And that damn choco-bimbo cutting me off all the time…If only I had a chocobo that could bump it off the course…  
  
Zell: (light bulb appears over head) I got it!  
  
Tidus: Uh, what's that over you head?  
  
Zell: (looking up) haha, very funny, Dee  
  
*Geez, can't ya take a joke??* (light bulb disappears)  
  
Zell: Anyway, my idea was that it sounds like you need a gold chocobo!  
  
Tidus: A what?  
  
Zell: (repeats) A gold chocobo! And I know just where to find one!  
  
(scene changes to the inside of the Highwind, where Cloud and the other members of AVALANCHE are gathered around a command consul discussing…well…something.)  
  
Cloud: Allright, operation Take-Over-Gold-Saucer in place, we  
  
Cid: (cuts him off) Hey spike, don't you think we should think of a different name? Any half-wit dumbass is gonna know our #&*%(*& plan if we call it the #&*%(@$ "Take-Over-Gold-Saucer" operation  
  
Cloud: Whatever, we'll think of it later, but now we have to  
  
Zell: (barging in) Hey, we need to borrow your gold chocobo!  
  
Cloud: (Sighs) Can't you wait? We're in the middle of discussing a very important mission here  
  
Zell: Important? You guys are raiding the Gold Saucer! What are you, buncha 12 year olds taking over an arcade?  
  
Cloud: Well, kinda  
  
Tidus: Uh, anyway, like Zell said, we kinda need to borrow your gold chocobo  
  
Cid: What the hell for? You got your own damn chocobo!  
  
Tidus: My chocobo doesn't work right  
  
Cloud: (sighing) fine, you can borrow the chocobo, but you've gotta pay up  
  
Tidus: Wha-??  
  
Cloud: What, you think we're gonna let you ride the chocobo for free? Do you know how much time and gil we spent breeding that thing!  
  
Tidus: Fine, how's 5,000 gil sound?  
  
Cloud: Eh, a bit shabby, but it'll do I s'pose  
  
Tidus: Ok, then (forking over the cash as Yuffie pickpockets him for more) Now, where's the chocobo?  
  
Cloud: Over here (leads Tidus and Zell to the Chocobo hold) As you can see, we have a large variety of chocobo's, ranging from plain yellow to Gold, with everything in between including Green, Blue, and Black! Our selection includes a multitude of riding classes, including but not limited to A, B, C, and S! Also…  
  
Tidus: Just give me the damn chocobo  
  
Cloud: Fine. Geez, can't a guy do a little advertising? Yuffie, untie the Gold one  
  
*Hey, speaking of Yuffie, everybody's been pretty quiet…. Talk you guys!*  
  
Barret: Yo! Grand masta B hea! All you mofo's betta…  
  
Nanaki: To be or not to be? That is the question…  
  
Tifa: Oh my god! Cloud, I like totally have to visit the mall at the Gold Saucer while we're on the raid, they have the latest leather mini-skirts and I've gotta get one!  
  
Cait Sith: (sings…or at least tries to…) Oh what a beautiful morning! Oh what a beautiful daaaaaay!! I've gotta  
  
(room is suddenly filled with everybody either talking or singing loudly)  
  
*okay, maybe that wasn't such a good idea…(casts silence on all but Cloud Tidus and Zell) ok, go on*  
  
Cloud Zell Tidus: x_x;;; uh…..  
  
Tidus: Yeeaaaa, anyway, I'll see ya guys later….(leaves with Zell and the Gold chocobo)  
  
(scene changes back to Calm Lands, this time at the start of the race)  
  
Tidus: Hey choco-bitch! I'm back for a rematch!  
  
Chocobo Lady: Ready?  
  
Tidus: Ready as I'll ever be!  
  
(3….2…..1….GO!)  
  
(they take off. Choco-lady cuts Tidus off, but the Gold chocobo rams the other one off the course and collects all the balloons, finishing with a perfect score)  
  
Chocobo Lady: Wow, congratulations you beat me! I never thought I'd see someone get a perfect 0:00 time. Here you go!  
  
Tidus: (receive Sun Sigil)  
  
(victory fanfare!)  
  
Zell: (looks around) where the hell did that come from?  
  
Tidus: OH yea! Who's the Choco-bomb!  
  
Zell: "Choco-bomb"?? What the hell?  
  
Tidus: Hey, shut up, I'm happy  
  
Zell: (grinning) Happy as in Seymour happy or happy as in Cloud-at-the- Golden-Saucer happy?  
  
Tidus: (smacks Zell in the head) Whaddya think, moron?  
  
Zell: Well, jes' makin sure (smirks)  
  
Tidus: Why you!  
  
Zell: Just try it!  
  
*ALLRIGHT, I'VE HAD ENOUGH! You guys, that was your last chance! I warned you already, now I'm gonna take some action! (casts Frog) There! And to carry out the second part of my threat…*  
  
(scene fades to black, reopens with Irvine on a chocobo next to the Chocobo Trainer)  
  
Irvine: (looks straight into the camera) Hah, ah ayem Ervahn Kuhnnayuhs!  
  
*Irvine, don't look at the camera. It's called "acting"*  
  
Irving: (still looking at the camera) Ah ayem loozin' tuh…aw wayet, whut's mah lahn uhgayn?  
  
*(sigh) Nevermind…(turns Irvine into a cockroach) Sadly enough, that was a step up in the chain of evolution for him…*  
  
Tidus: Hey, let's go get some burgers or something  
  
Zell: Nah, I want a hotdog  
  
Tidus: Dude, you always want a hotdog  
  
Zell: So?  
  
*Hey, how'd you guys…?*  
  
Tidus: We stole some remedies from Cid H.  
  
*But…but…*  
  
Zell: Anyway, we're outta here. C'mon, Tidus, I'll race ya to El Chocobo Loco!  
  
*YOU CAN'T DO THAT! I AM YOUR GOD! YOU WILL DO AS I PLEASE!*  
  
(silence ensues)  
  
Chocobo Lady: Um, I think I'll go….(she leaves)  
  
*(sniff) They all left! Does nobody like me? Irvine! You're still here! You still like me, right??*  
  
Cockroach Irvine: scribblesquabble (walks underneath a passing Chocobo caravan, crushing his exoskeleton)  
  
*phooey…*  
  
END…  
  
*whoo! That was weird. If you're wondering how the hell I came up with that fic it was when I was doing the damned chocobo race in FFX. It took me until 4 AM literally to get it over with, and by the time I'd gotten 0:00 I'd made up numerous, ah, "colorful" names for the Chocobo trainer, most starting in "Choco" and ending in a word that started with a "B". Anyway, if any of you had trouble reading the Irvine speech, read it aloud. It's, um, hick talk. Anyway, if anybody was in any way offended by this fic, comments/suggestions/death threats are always welcome! Just sign the guestbook*  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy 7, 8, or 10. They are the property of Squaresoft. 


End file.
